Auditing my Fear
5:24 am: In about half an hour result of my first professional exam is to be declared and on this cold morning I am accompanied by my best friend, people call him fear.
My best friend,Fear:
Fear is my best friend since childhood, my mom and the world other than my mom never liked him and used to tell me to part my way with him since the start. They were ware about my closeness and my long relationship with fear, that used to bother them. Often they used to make me count what all could go wrong if I don't let go of him. They knew he was not the right person to be around but so did I knew, but it's not easy to leave someone who has been there with you at your lows and sometimes even at highs.
To a certain extent, I always agreed to their point that he was not right for me and at times even tried parting my ways with him. I tried many self-help books, seminars, YouTube videos, and a lot of others things to separate myself from him but was always unsuccessful. In fact, with time my bond with him kept on growing, we can say it was a one-sided love story where I always wanted to get rid of him but he will never let go of me. Often I used to cry about toxicity he used to bring with him. As a result, I stopped doing things I like, I stopped being with people I love, I started avoiding the life-changing situation and all because of him. Often I used to cry at night because of the toxic relationship I came into with my best friend, Fear.
Another side to Fear
But there was another side to this relationship with fear. I was a person with a lot of friends. I used to listen to my friends and be there with them at their lows but sadly they never were there in mine. When tough times used to come and I needed someone really bad there used to be only one person around me, my best friend fear. This was the reason my fondness for him kept on growing, he was harming me to great extent but he was always there with me when I needed someone. This makes me realize now why people do cigarettes and drugs even when they know it causes cancer. My best friend was my addiction now.
Fear and I were together whenever there used to be an argument between my parents, whenever my brother used to scold me, whenever I have to give a public speech, whenever I used to get close to my dear ones. There were times when other friends of mine like courage, bravery, blunt talk used to lend me their support and made me believe that I could handle these situations better but their opinions used to be less important to me when compared to the advice given by my best friend fear and this way our bond kept on getting stronger with time.
Shades of Fear:
In school, I used to fear results and the consequences they can bring with them thus I used to work hard to get good marks.My fear was at its peak in the last year of school which lead to me working harder and passing my final year of school with flying colors. In college I used to fear about career start, I always knew I didn't have the finances to start something of my own and was not buying the idea of doing an MBA straight out of college so the only option left with me was of doing a corporate job which was hard to get in my college, I started fearing the consequences of being jobless and future less thus I started working harder, I did 19+ internship, college societies, startups and studies, all this to be an outlier when college ends.
All this paid off and I was only amongst the two-three people in my course that year who got placed in a dream company. So you see fear is not all so bad, I started coming to terms with it. However in my personal life, things started getting bad from here and fear was making them worse, it was second day of my office and I found myself sitting in the middle of the cyber hub crying in a way that no one notices, talking to new friends from office while trying to keep my face straight. Life started throwing real challenges towards me and I was shattered, fear even made it worst for me and it was this time that I realized that my mom and others were right about fear. In a bad situation, fear will tear your hope and at times even your willingness to continue anything, absolutely anything.
My breakup with fear:
I was in my bed with my face pressed against a pillow, I was sad and crying for hours. I wanted to confront my family member on one personal issue but then I wanted to do this for years but my fear never let me do that. My phone rang at that time and it was my real best friend, let's call her guiding angel for now. I broke down on call and told her what I was going through she advised me to talk to my family member but I was scared,very scared. We had a call of 20-30 minutes and she infused some real courage in me for this moment, I don't know if my fear was taking a power nap or what at that time. I finally decided to talk to my family member and ......we talked few things out. It wasn't like our half-hour conversation changed the whole situation but I felt better, I felt free, I knew whatever be it from here, I will face it with more subtleness. From that day on I broke up with my fear, it might sound odd but yes, a half an hour conversation can bring such a big difference to your life.
Subtleness:
I was a new man, with a lot more confidence, courage, and hard working attitude. I started settling down professionally and in my personal life. I considered myself to be in a better mindset now and even started giving Ted talks to my friends. I started "seeing an ant-like an ant and not an elephant". I was curious to learn new things and was not missing on any opportunities that come my way. In short, I was in a flow state.
All was going well for me till the time a similar situation like the one where I broke up with my fear came along with enrolling myself in a professional exam. I gave my exam and even handled the situation and I failed at both i guess. It wasn't like I didn't work hard for my exam this time and not that I was any less courageous this time to handle the situation still result was not different,it was not good. It wasn't like one exam or instance of failure was bothering me but the fact that I was taking that result casually or what I call "subtleness" was bothering me. I was taking everything casually and was not bothered about the results and consequences at all. I wanted to be in a flow state but this was something else maybe I was on edge of becoming overconfident, careless and that was bothering me. I was working hard like always but still was not giving my 100% in those crucial moments. This was making me sick.
It was very late that I realized that there was an important ingredient missing from the winning formula that I had before, that was my best friend fear.
Balancing Fear:
Now I realize fear is a two-way knife:
If we make fear our best friend we end up losing on a lot of opportunities, we end up being underconfident, over conscious, and over procrastinating.
On other hand, if we make our fear stranger to us, we end up being careless, lenient, and less motivated.
So, how can we come to terms with fear? How to make fear work positively for us? These were the questions that were coming to my mind and I decided to find answers to them. After a lot of research, watching a lot of Ted Talk, and many nights of brainstorming, I got my answer. The answer was to find a break-even point with fear.
One should not be a stranger to fear (careless) or be a best friend to it (underconfident) instead one should find a balance between these two, the break-even where you can use this fear for your benefit, as a motivation to you.
Drawing this balance will not be easy and I haven't found it yet but I am sure I will do it soon and now that I know my fear better I know that he is adamant and will never let me be alone. I don't know if I like this quality of him or I hate it but he is always with me so I have decided to use it for my own benefit ~ as a constant motivation.
Will keep you guys updated about the progress.....
PS: I passed one exam and need to reappear in other.
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