In the past few years, I've encountered difficulties in forming and maintaining deep connections with people, especially when it comes to one-on-one bonds or consistent contact. Initially, I believed that this was due to a lack of compatibility or being on different wavelengths with the people I met. I found it easy to establish a connection with someone, but as the friendship progressed and the line between friends and best friends blurred, I struggled to meet the expectations of being a constant presence in their lives. Unfortunately, I was often blamed for abruptly ending contact, leading me to realize that this pattern was becoming a recurring issue for me.
This pattern typically involved me losing touch with people from previous phases of my life when transitioning to new phases. For instance, when I moved from school to college, within a month or so, I would lose contact with those friends. I would later observe that these same friends were still close and part of the same social circles, remaining best friends. This discrepancy puzzled me, and after college ended, I practically lost contact with them altogether. As a result, I haven't had a best friend in the past few years (except for one )
Reflecting on what prevents me from forming deep connections, a couple of factors come to mind:
My core belief is that genuine bonds should be free from any hidden agendas or material and emotional expectations. I've struggled to find many people who share this belief, making it challenging to establish connections where I can let my guard down and invest fully. Having been in a few relationships where I felt used after investing significant time and energy, I've built an imaginary shield that limits the number of people I allow into my comfort zone, thus hindering the formation of unbreakable bonds.
The concept of "red flags" has gained popularity recently, but one consistent red flag for me since my school days has been people who easily replace others, including friends, in their lives. Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of being replaced numerous times, even when I didn't want it to happen (since no one wants to be replaced). These experiences have left deep emotional scars, making me hypersensitive to any indication that I might be seen as an option rather than a priority. It's a painful feeling to realize that a close friend is busy talking to someone who replaced me, while I'm left hanging.
When it comes to friendships, I'm an all-or-nothing person. I don't enjoy being kept around for the sake of appearances, nor do I want to keep someone in my life if they don't genuinely value our bond. I crave tangible reminders of my importance in a relationship, not just empty words.
Haha, I got to know little more about myself today. Hopefully the self reflection will help me break the pattern and bring genuinely available to people who actually want to prioritise me or are ready for equal investment in bond without any intentions.
Writing these journals acts as a form of therapy for me, allowing me to delve deeper into my true self. It's a gratifying feeling to gain self-awareness through this process and work on improving myself based on what I discover.
